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Jokes To Make You Laugh
#1
Now the Idea of the thread is to post your favourite jokes you have heard over the years, this is  just make it a nice environment to be in if you are feeling down or just fancy a chuckle.

To start us off some of my favourite jokes are:

1. Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

2. I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough…

3. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

4. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

5. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

6. A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
the husband suggested, 'MYPENIS'  and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."

7. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Ill update this thread when I find some good jokes Big Grin
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#2
The third joke made me laugh Big Grin
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#3
There was a joke that went thusly:

Quote:A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
ba da bing ba da BAN! -Hypernoma
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#4
Well since its Good Friday.

Quote:I'm trying to think of a hilarious Good Friday joke, I really want to nail this.
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#5
Which day of the week do fish hate?...
(I hope you are happy now, Turpis.)
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#6
1 - There are a French guy, a British guy and an American on a sinking ship. The British screams "Save the women first", the American says "F*ck the women!" and the French guy asks "Do we have the time?"

2 - My brother came to me the other day and asked me
- Hey man, if I slept with your wife, would we still be brothers ?
- No
- Then we'd be enemies ?
- No
- Then what would we be ?
- Even
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#7
What do you call a dinosaur with 1 eye?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus

Whats brown & sticky?
A stick

Whats orange & sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
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#8
Paddys wife had a tattoo of a sea shell done at the top of her thigh.
Paddy thought it was f*****g brilliant as every time he put his ear against it he could smell the sea.
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#9
I tried to remember Chris Browns songs then it hit me
life is short...
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